Pain in the…

Today has been another bad day but that is not a surprise considering it is a non gym day. Lately I feel so demoralised on days I am not working out. It is ridiculous given that there is nothing to stop me from getting exercise therefore I must assume it is just a psychological reaction (as opposed to being addicted to exercise!). Again today, it was after weighing in that my downward spiral began. I cannot stay away from the scales so I am having them sent to my mums for a while. I will weigh in in town once per week.

It hasn’t helped that I have been laid up all day. When I woke up the small of my back was really aching and as the morning wore on it got worse to the point where I could barely walk. I havent really had any trouble in my leg since the day after I saw the doctor (except for the odd twinge) but the small of my back has been giving me trouble on and off. I am not convinced that I do not have Sciatica. I have all the symptoms of it and if it was just a pulled muscle in my bum it wouldn’t be giving me trouble in this way. And the meds the Dr gave me havent touched the pain either. So I had to spend most of today resting and just hope I am well enough to get myself through my review tomorrow.

I think I am going to discuss these problems with my instructor because pain is always worse after a workout. And I am going to get a work out that I can do every day because I know if I work out every day that will set me up for the day. I am going to put myself out there to you guys by saying that I think a part of my problem with my lack of control over the food is loneliness. For one reason or another, I have been feeling this way lately. I live alone and am not close to any of my family except for my son. And I lost many of my friends when I got fat (you know how it is) and the ones I do have at the moment seem to have drifted away… and I work for myself from home so my gym sessions are really my only connection with people. Everything I am going through does make sense in my mixed up head.

In case you haven’t noticed yet, I’ve put a couple of pictures on my about page. The first one I weighed 266lbs, the second one about 240lbs and the third one 216lbs…

Obesity Epidemic

There is a really good article on how to safely lose weight, written by NetDoctor.co.uk here.

Yesterday I was researching obesity charities with the view of using my skills (as a journalist/communications/pr assistant/web designer) to help the charity. I came across Toast-UK, which is quite interesting. Reading their about us page I was really impressed with how they approached obesity.

People told us that they were finding the key message of just eat less and exercise more unhelpful, and that they didn’t find that they were getting the support and information they needed. Twenty years ago, anorexia was treated as a matter of under-eating and the first line treatment was force-feeding; it is now recognised that this condition is a serious and complex illness requiring psychological as well as physiological input.

Similarly, we recognise that obesity, rather than being just a matter of taking less food in, is a complex, multifaceted problem and that there is no one-size-fits-all solution.

Over recent years our governments have wised up to the fact that obesity is a Western epidemic and are, thankfully, making moves to reduce it in society. The problem they seem not to grasp is that its not the science of weightloss people struggle with but the psychology. I have always maintained that weightloss is a psychological problem. Actually obesity is not a psychological problem: binge eating is a psychological problem and obesity is the side effects of that disorder.

So why has obesity is such global numbers arisen? I guess there are no straight-forward answers but I have a number of theories why. I think its instant gratification, greed, not taking responsibility for ones own actions and lack of pro-active energy in today’s culture that has grown a body of people who feel this crazy world has taken their control away from them as people. But it is a fallacy, society only thinks control has been taken away. It’s still there for the taking, if one wants it. The individual needs to want to help themselves, however.

But then there are always going to be people who do not want to put themselves first and think about what they are putting in their mouths. And there will be people who physically feel out of control emotionally. This is where government decisions come in. They have made a lot of progress thus far. Every medical surgery in the UK has a ‘weightloss clinic’, which is essentially a nurse who will see you once a month to record your weightloss progress. There are two types of weightloss tablets on the market here, Reductil and Xenical. You can also get a prescription to the gym (this used to be free but is now £3 per session). This is all fantastic news and if you are up for helping yourself and have the right attitude to weightloss then there is no reason why, with these additional aids, you cannot achieve a significant amount of weightloss.

Where the government and it’s advisors seem to be falling down, however, is in not understanding that while many people have a vague want to lose weight, many feel that their obesity is too far out of control and for whatever reason cannot manage a weightloss programme. I, certainly, felt this before I developed a real need to regain my health. This is where counselling comes in. Severely obese people need emotional support. They became obese as a reaction to not handling life situations and they cannot just magically get back on the wagon and lose weight. Unfortunately the NHS seems reluctant to offer counselling in the UK, I certainly failed in my attempts to get it. But I consider myself one of the lucky ones. I eventually found the strength within myself to lose weight with the support available, and by creating my own support network here. Not everyone is as lucky as me, though. And unless the government starts addressing the reasons why people put on weight in the first place instead of just trying to treat an illness they don’t understand by sprouting the mantra ‘exercise more, eat less’ then the obesity epidemic is going to go from worse to worse.

Options

I know quite a few of you are having a hard time being motivated with weightloss right now so I wanted to write a bit on dieting and how I got into the right frame of mind.

Successful dieting means coming to terms with the fact that we do not have options.

This is, essentially, how I got there. By understanding that I do not have any options. Let me elaborate.

Up until this time around I always told myself that I had a choice: to lose weight or not lose weight. The realisation came for me when I realised I was lying to myself. I didn’t have the luxury of chosing whether to lose weight. I was 19 stones (266lbs, 121kg); if I continued on the same path as I was on then I would end up dead many many years before I should be. And everyone would see my triple-size coffin. Yes, in death I would still be worrying about being judged for my size. If I wanted to live until old age then I HAD to lose weight. I had to get serious about it.

But more than that, if I wanted to live then I wanted to live a good life and I could not do that at the size I was. I don’t care what anyone says, it’s the truth. A fat person cannot live a truely fulfilled life. I felt too self-conscious while out in public, which would stop me doing what I wanted. I couldn’t physically go run about with my son, heck I couldn’t walk slowly to the shop for ten minutes. My mobility was starting to become a real issue. If I wanted to claim my life back then I needed to regain my health. This means I have no options left to me. I’d exhausted my timeframe. It was now or never.

I would always complain about people judging me for being fat but *I* gave them the power to do this. I allowed myself to get disgustingly fat. If I were not fat they would not have material with which to bully me. I have no option. I was going mad feeling judged (to the point I stopped going out in public) and if I wanted anything resembling a social life ever again then there really is only one option: take the power back. Lose weight. Make people judge you for looking good, not looking horrendous.

On a day to day basis you need a similar attitude. That cake is there but I don’t have to eat it. In fact, I cannot eat it. There is no other way. One slice will not suffice therefore the cake is out of bounds to me. When you can manage one slice you can eat one slice but for now you can’t so you don’t have it. Similarly late at night. Do I want to raid the fridge or do I want to see a difference on the scales in the morning? It’s a cliché but no food tastes as good as looking slimmer/seeing the scales go down feels. Believe me. There is no food on this planet. So if you want to improve your health you stay away from binging.

It’s the same with exercise. I know that exercise reduces my appitite so I am aware that it has to be a major part of my life. I accept this and know that being a couch potato is no longer a luxury I can afford. I am fully accepting that exercise will always be a part of my life now, even when I am maintaining. I don’t wake up in the morning and think, ‘Hmm… shall I go to the gym today?’ I wake up and think, ‘Yay! A gym day today.’ I don’t give myself options.

If only it were as easy as that, I hear you cry!

That is something else I never realised. It is as easy as that. Once you accept that you only have one choice and that is to lose weight, the act of making better health choices becomes so much easier. I never said it would be easy to do on a day to day basis, or quick for that matter, but once you have decided it *is* that much easier.

It is all about understanding that you have no other option besides losing weigh and getting healthier. The second you find yourself thinking..’ah well, I’ll go to the gym tomorrow…’ or ‘one KFC/McDonald’s/BK won’t hurt’ is when you have to reel yourself in and say no. I cannot do this, these are not options open to me. I have to get back on track today. If you do over-eat, a successful dieter doesn’t go ‘ah sod it, I’ll start again tomorrow’. They don’t have the option of eating another 5000 calories that day. Because they will wake up tomorrow feeling like utter crap. No, they take the situation for what it is – one minor blip – and continue on the healthy path they were on. Then one day, a year or so from now, they will look in the mirror and know that they do have choices again.

Challenges

How exciting! The first post written on my own domain! I was so busy setting up this site to look exactly like my wordpress site that I did not get to write a post yesterday. I was hankering after posting all day and then when I finally had the time I was far too shattered. I’ve been good, though. More than. I have a pattern at the moment whereby one night my mind is fighting to think this is such a struggle and then the next day waking up more determined than ever. I think this struggle in my mind is hormonal because in my rational mind I am more determined than ever before but I have these odd moments where my mind catches me unawares. Anywho, I haven’t been bad at all so it doesn’t matter.

Challenges are the word of this week here on the blogsphere. Firstly I signed up to a weightloss challenge to lose 3 stones (42lbs, 19kg) by Christmas at Aimee’s forum and was joined by Betzy among other people. Oh yeah, bring it on! I was then invited by Tigerlily to take her challenge but that was a bit more than I can manage at the moment so I turned that down. Maybe in the future though. Then I signed up for FatBlokeThin’s challenge to lose weight too!

To be honest, if I weren’t motivated enough to lose weight on my own then the pressure of challenges would not improve my behaviour as I don’t normally respond that well to that kind of pressure where weightloss is concerned but given that I am extremely motivated right now and I see it as a bit of harmless fun to wile away the time as I lose weight, I am REALLY into these challenges!

I also have to tell everyone that I have got a mention over at Threedayblog. I have won an award for “Rockin’ Girl Blogger” for being “A fellow fighter of the fat. Always on track. Always bright and cheerful. She is my true inspiration. She writes a darn good blog too!” Now just how fabulous is that? It’s funny how others see you, isn’t it? It’s like it’s a stranger they are talking about! And praise for my blog too!! A girl couldn’t be happier! See the post here.

Being Hard On Yourself

My weightloss nurse keeps telling me not to be so hard on myself even though I don’t know where she gets the idea that I am. It is true that I am hard on myself but I just don’t know where she would get that from, it’s not like I confide in her my deepest darkest thoughts. I guess she sees it a lot in obese patients.

When I was at my highest weight I was very good at being hard on myself. I guess you don’t get as big as I was without being hard on yourself. The way I thought about myself I would never have thought about another human being, whether they were friend or foe. And if I did I should have been locked up for a breach of human rights. I was outright nasty to myself. At one point I wouldn’t even leave the house because I thought I should not be seen in public. I consciously had that thought.

And they were just thoughts. If I were on a diet and had a slight slip then I would eat for England telling myself I am a fat pig and this is what fat pigs do. I had a one-off session with a counsellor last year and she asked me if I self harm. “Only by compulsively eating,” I told her. If I’d started an exercise regime and came down with the flu, I’d cease going to the gym because I’d missed one or two sessions. Instead I would prefer to wallow in self pitying thoughts that it is Just Too Hard.

I think it has been a gradual effect but slowly and surely since I have started this effort I have been trying to combat those thoughts and feelings. It has not been easy. I had a packet of crisps yesterday after the gym because I was on minus calories having only had a sandwich all day and even while eating them I was beating myself up for giving in to them. But with every negative thought I told myself it is just a packet of crisps, it is not the end of the world. And with another generous loss on the scale today they didn’t show up anyway. This is my point, being hard on ourselves, while unavoidable at times, is pointless. We only hurt ourselves. And I have found the more I stop myself from thinking bad about myself the easier it is to lose weight.

Eating Like a Fat Person

Although I haven’t always been able to use the word “fat”, this is precisely what I have been since about 1999 when I started compulsive eating. That is 8 years living as a fat person and in this time I have been eating like it is going out of fashion. Not only in the amount of calories I have consumed but in how fast I eat. That’s right, I eat like a fat person.

I guess I have been aware of it only for a couple of years now and I have made attempts to slow it down but usually I fail. Since I have been dieting this time it is something I have been trying to combat. I find it very hard, not least because I am ravenous by the time I get around to sitting down to my meal. So I have taken to sitting at the computer with my meal. Not an ideal situation but it does help to put my knife and fork down between mouthfuls and browse the web, particularly weightloss blogs and forums. I am slowly coming to terms with redesigning not only my eating behaviours but the speed at which I eat.

A question for you – do you eat like a fat person? did you? what have you done to relearn how to eat?

Shrink Wrap

I watched a really interesting programme tonight called Shrink Wrap… tonight it was Sharon Osbourne’s turn to have therapy with a TV therapist and they covered a whole manner of subjects. Obviously the subject of Sharon’s weight fluctuations were of the most interest to me. I know the insights the therapist had were wrapped up in the entirity of Sharon’s life experiences but I do think some of the insights were relevant to anybody who has struggled with their weight.

The therapist said that we sometimes put on weight as a way of getting noticed: if we feel insignificant, unimportant, have low self esteem etc a way of getting noticed is to physically take up more space in your environment as a way of saying, ‘look at me, I am here, I am important’, which I found quite interesting. She said it is on a completely sub-conscious level. To take this further, I would suggest once we get fat we find out that we are noticed even less (have you noticed how the bigger we become the more invisible we become?) and this fustrates us even more leaving us in bigger dispair.

Sharon said she used her weight as a shield. No one loves a fat person and therefore she could put a wall up – the fat was a physical wall – so no one could get close. This then feeds the myth that we think we are unlovable because we are fat but in fact we get fat because we cannot let ourselves acknowledge that we are lovable. I don’t know about you, but this rings bells for me.

I was raised as one of six (the eldest); 2 siblings and 3 step-siblings so I was never physically alone but through a lack of care and attention I felt incredibly lonely growing up. This could be a instigator as to why I want to take up more physical space; to give myself more importance. Who knows?

I do have theories as to why I got fat when I did, well not theories, I know why I got fat. It is not something I wish to talk about openly suffice it to say my fat became a shield of protection against being hurt… again.

Any thoughts? Do you know why you got fat?