My reasons for wanting to lose weight in the beginning are different to the reasons I have today for wanting to continue losing.
(Sorry if you have read this before) My reasons in the beginning were of a ’sink or swim’ nature. At 19 stone, imprisoned by agoraphobia and a sense that the world hates you, having in excess of 20 panic attacks a day (they merged into constant panic) and being absolutely convinced you are going to die at any given moment there is only one of two ways you can go: sink. or swim. I chose the latter.
It is ironic because at the time I felt so completely out of control that I imagined there was no way I’d lose 7lbs, let alone 70. I decided to use every resource at my disposal at a time when my home life was so completely horrendous that I don’t know how I got through the day to day. I went to the weightloss nurse who put me on Xenical, which really helped me to control my binging. I started writing everything down and didn’t deny myself goodies, I just limited the quantity. I remember in my first week I had cheese and ice cream every day! It wasn’t easy but as the days went on it became more managable. One week soon became two weeks and I started to see the losses that I wanted, nay needed.
In the beginning my main concern was in being accepted by society again. I felt I was so horrendously fat that people did not want to know me. In the supermarket I would come across two kinds of people; those that didn’t see me, and those that laughed in my face. I didn’t notice the people who were polite and pleasant. Looking back I don’t know if that was because they didn’t exist, or I didn’t believe they existed.
As the stones melted away (and they did, I lost fairly quickly), I did become more acceptable in society. It also helped that around this time an old friend called Janet got back in touch. We’d not been in touch for 4 years and at this time I had no friends. I slowly started to socialise more and made more and more friends, which helped my confidence no end. I still hadn’t had sex in seven years due to my insecurities so I wasn’t completely cured but my self esteem was certainly on the rise. It hit a high point in the beginning of this year when I did end up getting over my seven-year itch, I felt nothing could touch me.
But over the last few months, I have had nothing but trouble from the opposite sex (I am still making bad choices!) and my confidence has been dwindling. At the moment it is at an all time low. I have put on a stone through feeling so down about life and men and am starting to feel and look fat again. I think I am starting to come out the other side though because I feel like I am getting my eating under control. But my reasons are no longer about being accepted in society and not wanting to die, because I realise these are no longer issues I need to worry about, but it is more about looking and feeling more attractive. I am at a place where I would like to meet that special person and it is just not happening at the moment so I think I need to make further changes and see if that helps. I know losing the weight I have helped, so losing more can’t hurt.
When I lost all that weight I felt so confident, I was untouchable. I really felt on top of the world. But the last few months I have started dating again and due to bad choices (when will I learn!?) my confidence has slowly been eroding. It hasn’t helped that due to boy-stress I ended up putting 10lbs on so when I looked in the mirror lately and could visably see those 10lbs around my waistline, my confidence has plummeted further. The last few weeks I have got my mojo back, and my sense of equilibrium, so I have slowly been re-gaining control of what I eat. But the thoughts I have when I look in the mirror these last few days are quite worrying. I haven’t felt this bad about myself (well, my look) since I weighed 19 stone. I really don’t know what I can do about it other than to start losing weight again (don’t bother telling me weightloss on its own won’t bring confidence – it does!) so I need to get really serious about this. REALLY SERIOUS.
