Clothes Shopping

I havent bought any clothes for ages just because finances dictate that I can’t. I decided to go window shopping today but when I saw the sales I could not help myself. New Look had a huge markdown. I got a jean skirt, black going out skirt, a pink gypsy skirt, a tshirt and a cardi top all for £26 ($50)!!! I may have spent money I don’t really have but I think clothes shopping has done me the world of good.

It’s about taking pride in my appearance and caring what I look like. I think I have forgotten to care. I am struggling to stay in a size 16 at the moment (my size 18 trousers are getting scarily comfy!) but I refused to go up a size with my new clothes, so I bought it all in a size 16. This means I have to work a bit harder to look good in my clothes.

You know, I see clothes in a size 8 and 10 (US 6 and and they look so tiny but they’re not. I think what I wouldn’t give to fit in those, but then if I would give anything I would just get on and lose, wouldn’t I? If only it were that easy.

Tigerlily has been such a source of inspiration to me. She is a fitness fanatic (like I was a few months ago!) and she recently posted a picture of her arms looking fab. A while ago we were a few pounds apart but now she is 20 or so pounds less than me. This is what happens when one keeps on plodding on and the other gives up! TL you really do inspire me, even when I am severely depressed so thank you!!

Oh I have also ordered a pair of jeans and some leggings from Republic. I LOVE that shop!

It Points Out My Fat

I am 4lbs down since Monday. I can see it in my face. I feel much better for eating right, inside. I feel in control. There are so many positives from doing this. I am really proud of myself for managing to do it this week of all weeks because my life has been dramas ahoy (just for a change) and I have at all times stuck rigidly to my weightloss plan. This tells me this time I am going to do it again. I am quite excited by this. I can’t wait to start getting comments from the people in my life who only know me at this weight. I can’t wait to hit the ever elusive 13 stone era (although that will be a few weeks away yet)…

You know what I am really looking forward to? When I hit the 12 stone era because I do not consider that to be fat, just overweight. Hopefully others will not consider it to be fat too. It’s also going to be easier to reap the health benefits of weightloss now I weigh less to. After all it will take less pounds to reach a ten per cent drop…

I bought a jean skirt yesterday. It’s the first one I have owned for maybe ten years. I bought a size 16 because that is what I am, but I somehow convinced myself that there was no way it would fit me because I am kidding myself if I think I am a size 16. But of course it fitted me, because I AM a size 16 (UK, remember). However, it was quite tight fitting and while I think it is passable in the day time I would not feel confident enough going out on the pull in it. It points out my fat, or at least I feel like it does. So I guess I am back to the drawing board about tomorrow night.

Talking of tomorrow night, I am giving up beer again. I am going back to sticking to diet coke and vodka. It didn’t do me any harm in the past and will help me to lose weight.

(Oh can I also point out to those of you who have misunderstood – xenical is NOT an appitite suppressant. It blocks 30% of the absorption of fat from being digested into your body, meaning your body turns to the fat stores you already have quicker to burn off, that is all.)

I’m On Fire!

Day two of success! 1460 calories, 1.2 litres of water (my bad!), an hour of walking and this morning a loss of another two pounds, bringing me from 14.12 on monday to 14.9 today!

I knew that it was a matter of getting into it again and once I did then it would all be good, but it was just the hurdle of that first initial day. I remember when I started the first time around, I had similar problems. I just could not get into the dieting so I joined the gym knowing that the more I exercised the less I would eat and within a week I was eating less and less. Then I had a good day and I told myself, ‘right, you did yesterday without any problems, there is nothing to stop you doing today in the same manner’. The more successful days I had the easier it got, and the same is happening this time.

I know they say that we should not put emphasis on the scales but I do and that spurs me on. Granted, it fustrated me when they were not going down and – God forbid – when they were going up, but I knew that was because I was overeating. It is about being honest with yourself. If you restrict your calories and work out, there is no reason (unless medical) for the scales not to work in your favour. Sorry, you’ve got self-rightous Groovybabe back!

I have a doctor’s appointment in less than an hour to get to the bottom of my lethergy. I am a bit nervous as I have not been to the doctor’s in ages, but will be pleased to try and get to the bottom of it. I am really really missing being so active. That said, I have been taking more walks down the seafront near my house in order to get any exercise in, which is better mentally for me than looking at a wall inside a badly-lit gym!

Confidence

I widgetized my sidebar and it messed up the background and looked funny and I couldn’t work out how to fix it so I have taken off my colourful background image. :’( At least it looks clean, I guess.

I went out last night and have vague memories of tequila shots and am feeling rather delicate so the fact that I am writing in here today now is testiment to just how serious I am about wanting to get back on track with losing.

I weighed myself just now and am still 14.9. It is starting to fustrate me a little bit now. I always always lose weight after a big night but I haven’t this week. Probably something to do with the lovely big burger I ate last night (before I went out) but it was delicious! I didn’t dance last night really so did not burn off calories but I did end up walking across the city at 4am on my own to get to my mums house because I lost my friends and had no money on me. I know! I was very scared but luckily nothing happened to me. Actually I ran for a quite a while too. W00t.

When I lost all that weight I felt so confident, I was untouchable. I really felt on top of the world. But the last few months I have started dating again and due to bad choices (when will I learn!?) my confidence has slowly been eroding. It hasn’t helped that due to boy-stress I ended up putting 10lbs on so when I looked in the mirror lately and could visably see those 10lbs around my waistline, my confidence has plummeted further. The last few weeks I have got my mojo back, and my sense of equilibrium, so I have slowly been re-gaining control of what I eat. But the thoughts I have when I look in the mirror these last few days are quite worrying. I haven’t felt this bad about myself (well, my look) since I weighed 19 stone. I really don’t know what I can do about it other than to start losing weight again (don’t bother telling me weightloss on its own won’t bring confidence – it does!) so I need to get really serious about this. REALLY SERIOUS.

Here are my intentions:

• Stick to 1600 calories, or less.
• Do NOT eat during the night. Ever.
• Drink 2-3 litres of fluids every day.
• Some form of exercise every day.
• Gym 3x a week.
• Weigh myself daily.
• Write in my blog daily.
• Keep my food diary updated.

I am also going to the doctors tomorrow for a blood test. I have been feeling wiped out for weeks now and it is not only intefering with my exercise plan but my life in general. I don’t think it can be anything too serious as I have not had it affect my weight but I think it is a good idea to get these things checked out.

Keep Plodding On

I didn’t manage to stay away from the kitchen in the night, but I did try. The fact that the first two times I made myself get a drink only tells me this is a conscious thing. The third time I woke up I had some of my natural greek yogurt with honey (not too bad!) but then I woke up again a fourth time and ended up giving in and finishing the pot of yogurt and more honey (the yogurt turned out to be 600 calories without the honey!!). Plus 3 light digestive biscuits. Oops.

But I have decided to start being honest with myself. None of this stopping writing everything down the minute I fall off the wagon. I got up and put everything into MyNetDiary and it came back at 2500 calories for the whole day. According to that site, eating that amount every day I would still lose 1.1lb per week. This is why this site is beneficial to me. Normally I would consider eating that much a total diaster but it shows me that all is not lost. It also tells me to just keep trying every day and eventually it will sort itself out. I just have to not have things like natural greek yogurt and digestive biscuits on hand at night.

I am going to go shower now and get ready for the gym. I don’t feel up to it at all but I am not giving in. If I only do a weights session that has got to be better than nothing.

Yesterday’s calories: 2500
Yesterday’s exercise: 1 hour of walking
Yesterday’s water: 1litre
Today’s weight: 14.9

Mix Up

Current Weight: 14.0 stones
Yesterday’s Weight: 14.3 stones
Yesterday’s WW Points on track? Yes
Exercise Taken Yesterday: None
Challenge Points: 4

I am back to putting this information at the top of the post because when I was doing that last time it really helped me to stay on track and lose weight. So you can see from this information that yesterday I had a good day of staying on track. It was my first such day in many weeks. I find it so hard to keep the motivation when I havent been doing it for a while but I maintain it is a lot to do with the chemicals from bad foods that make it so uncontrollable. I woke up yesterday after my night out on Saturday and just decided that would be the day I get back on track. Instead of gorging on bad foods to nurse my hangover, which I have been doing lately, I decided to cook up a treat in the way of a home made vegetable soup. It was lovely and curbed my need for bad foods and binging. Lately I have had a real problem with eating through the night (because I don’t sleep well) and last night was the first night I did not feel the need to do that, despite being up until 4am, so there has to be a connection between eating bad foods and wanting to gorge in the night. It is all good though.

You may wonder what the “challenge points” are? Well Betz and I have been talking about setting up a new challenge to help re-motivate us into weightloss. Rather than go for who can lose the most weight, we thought we would offer points for good behaviour, and then the person with the most points at, say, the end of the month is the winner. If you would like to get involved with this then leave a comment and I will update your results every week (on a Monday). Here is how you get points:

• Staying on track with food (either on points or under 1500 calories) – 3 points
• Full workout at the gym – 3 points (half arsed one, 1 point)
• 5 fruit and veg – 1 point
• 2litres of water – 1 point
• 30 minutes of exercise – 1 point (you cant count this into your gym workout to get more points, this is exercise other than a gym workout)

If I can think of other things to add for points then I will, if you have any ideas then let me know, but these are the basic stay healthy-stay on track incentives. I will do a weekly update, but the overall winner will be monthly.

I have changed my layout back to my original one. This is psychological in the main part. I was doing really really well when I had this layout. So I am hoping by putting it back up it will bring me success again. Plus it is pretty.

Today is also weigh in day. Last week I weighed in at 14.0 stones (196lbs) but over the next four days I was gorging through the night uncontrollably as I hinted at above, and by Thursday weighed in at 14.9!!! Saturday I weighed in at 14.3 and today I have weighed in at my lowest weight again of 14.0, so while I havent officially lost on my weekly weigh in, it is a huge success that I managed to regain control again and not end up two stone heavier. I am really looking forward to being in the 13’s now, like you cannot imagine. And it is going to happen in the next few days!!

Some Thoughts

I weighed in at 14.12, or 208lbs, or 94.5kg. I didn’t end up doing a proper weigh in coz I am lazy. I will do one some time this week, possibly tomorrow or Friday. I have decided to have a proper weigh in once a month now because my rate of loss is much slower I just don’t feel I need to declare my weight on a weekly basis. I will still weigh in most days and update my sidebar accordingly.

Although my previous lowest weigh in was 14.13, I did go up to 15.3 again. The day I left for London (Friday) I weighed 15.2 so I have in fact lost 4lbs in 4 days of being in London. I only really ate my meals when I was up there but I did consume a lot of bread so I am hoping to reduce that again this week. I wish I could do without bread entirely but when I do I get obsessed with rice crackers and end up consuming more. And I am not inventive enough to come up with alternatives the whole time. I might have another go at making sushi this week.

I have just walked my son to school and I jogged half way home! Outside. In public. Heh. After how weak I felt in the gym yesterday I am taking every opportunity to raise my game. I also want to get into the low 14’s and late 13’s. It is funny, now I am in the 14’s firmly I am allowing myself to dream of the 13 stone era. I have a way to go yet but it is so much closer than it ever was and it is so exciting. I am also looking set to weigh under 200lbs by Christmas/New Year. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

I am really starting to fall in love with my figure, possibly for the first time in my life. I guess because I was so big I can fully appreciate how far I have come. I love that my figure is more a straight highway than a short bumpy road with lots of twists and turns.  I love how I can do so much more with my body now I have lost a lot of the excess weight. I love how I can look so much better in clothes and wear clothes I couldn’t dream of wearing in the past. I love the attention I am getting, and how I am treated so much differently.

Colleen Nolan from Loose Women was saying yesterday that she has lost 3 stone now and people treat her so much better. But not only that she is getting more offers of work now she has lost weight. People used to tell me I was imagining it when I would say I would be treated badly for being fat. Or if I wasn’t imagining it then I was paronoid because how can I possibly know it is because I am fat? But believe me, if you are being treated badly for being fat then you know about it. And I feel completely justified in those feelings now because I am treated absolutely differently these days.

There is a guy I have known for ages, years. We met online but met in real life in 2002 once. I was pretty fat then (about 18 stone) but he was cool. We had fun for a few days (purely platonic) but the last few days he has seen pictures of me at my current weight and keeps making remarks about me in a romantic light. I am not interested in him in the slightest in that way, I never have been. But it is kind of a little bit offensive that he is only seeing me in this light now, when we have known each other 6 years. I am the same person I always was. Well up to an extent. I guess personality does change with weightloss, but it is not my personality he has been commenting on. He is not the only one. I have lots coming out of the woodwork who have strangely been rather quiet the last five years or so, and lots of newbies too. Anyone who says weight is not the be all and end all is clearly deluded.

***

I walked up the slope from Waterloo East train station yesterday over to the main station, something I haven’t done since I was at my fattest. It used to be quite an ordeal getting up there. On shows that enable people to lose weight they always use bags of sugar or lard to express how much a person loses and I always thought that was not true. While it probably was the same weight for weight, it was different carrying it. But walking up that hill and noticing just how much easier it was I realised I really have lost 58lbs of lard.

***

The governement/media have come up with yet another angle to berate obesity. Apparently, being obese drastically increases your risk of dying in childbirth. Now I know childbirth while fat is not the nicest experience as I talked about before, but the BBC article in question says that “More than half the 295 women who died [in the UK] during or after pregnancy between 2003 and 2005 were overweight or obese.” But then later on the article actually states that “Fifteen per cent of the mothers who died were morbid or super-morbidly obese.” So over 35% were”just” obese as opposed to “morbid” or “super-morbid”, which actually suggests it is more dangerous to have a BMI of 30-39 in pregnancy than 40+! At least if you are going to write an article with dramatic headlines make your piece stand up. LOL

Hit Me Baby, One More Time

I hit 15.9 on the weekend. One more pound off, I hear you say, nothing substantial. But no! It is! I now weigh under 100kg at 99.5kg! And I am also 219lbs, which means I am no longer in the 220’s!! How about that then?

I went out this weekend and got ever so slightly drunked. I actually bought some drinks to take to a mates and picked up some Bacardi Breezers (as she drinks disgusting Guiness) but in the car I was thinking, ‘gah… calories…’ but when I opened the BB I realised that I’d picked up – purely by accident – the half sugar ones, which had half the calories (just over 100 per bottle), so that was a result.

I don’t normally wear make up during the day these days, it just seems like too much effort. It’s usually the gym I am going to anyway and there’s nothing worse than seeing people caked in make up for a work out. So I tend to go without. So when I put my make up on for a night out, I looked in the mirror and thought I looked really good. My skin is clearer than it has been in months, not a single spot to be seen,  and it looks much tighter too. And such an even colour. And I just thought, ‘wow’. With my hair down and straightened, I looked good. I wish I’d taken pictures.

I am pretty sure it is the jogging that is making me look so healthy. Up until a few weeks ago I was getting pretty bad acne, which I assumed was down to the Xenical, and my skin looked really rough. But it has cleared up a lot since I have been jogging. My face always gets really red when I jog so I guess the blood is coming to the surface of my skin and that is what is helping me to look better. Anyway, I like it a lot.
I wore my old-new jeans out again and they were looser than the last time I wore them, and I’d bought a black top with long arms, just a plain fashion Tee, and well yay, as you will see now:

Later on in the night, around midnight, I’d eventually felt brave enough in the cold English weather to take my coat off (we’d been sat outside) and I went into the toilets (bathroom). When I looked in the mirror I was like ‘OMGZ whoZ that skinny dude looking at me? She looks good, I want her figure’ then I was like, ‘that IS you!’ heh and that really made my night. I couldn’t stop looking! When I look in my mirrors at home I tend to see all the work that I need to achieve rather than the work I have already achieved because I am always in those mirrors but looking in a foreign mirror can really help sometimes. I’d only been to that pub once before during my journey, about 3 months ago.

Woo!

Actually I have been hit on quite a bit lately. In fact, I would say I have been hit on more in the last couple of months since losing weight than I was in the 6 years previously. That wouldn’t be too hard as I pretty much wasn’t hit on before I started losing weight, but still it’s a confidence boost all the same! Especially Saturday night, as I had a couple of guys be very direct. They were not my type and so nothing happened but still, it’s nice to feel wanted. (I need to make a post about dating sometime.)

Then after the pub, we’d gone to a house party and I was sat watching the music channels at about 6am when I had a moment of clarity. The reason I have been struggling to stay on track is because I’d lost confidence in my ability to lose weight. I think it happened when I started having sleeping difficulties. In the early days on my weightloss, if I thought I would be bad at night I would take a Nytol to get me to sleep quite early and then I wouldn’t have to face a night time struggle, but when the tablets didn’t work and I wasn’t sleeping well, I started thinking – subconsciously – that I wouldn’t be able to stay on track, this then lead to a self fulfiling prophecy and I wasn’t able to stay on track. Considering this I actually think I did amazingly well in struggling through it and in continuing to lose weight, but weightloss is so much easier when it is not a constant battle of wills. At least I realise now and can move forward in my weightloss.

Work in Progress

I’m not quite at the 50lb loss so no real pictures but I thought it would help to see a difference in some way. In some way I think you can see a big difference and in other ways it seems subtle. What do you think?

Progress report: Been good all day, gone slightly over on my calories (about 1700) but I haven’t had any bread all day! This is really quite something for me! At lunch when I normally have bread it was quite hard to go without but as the afternoon wore on I found I felt so much better without it in my system. And now at after 7pm, I really feel a ton healthier and much more confident in the weightloss thing again.  I’m just going to have a low cal hot chocolate and watch some tv and rest up for my mega workout tomorrow!

Jim

My posts are getting very boring now, it’s all gym gym gym! So, I apologise d’advance but I went to the gym today! LOL!

It was good. I shock it up a bit today and did the random programme on the XT instead of the quick start option, and boy did I know it!! I’m not entirely sure what tempted me to do this considering the 10 minute bike ride beforehand felt so much harder today, and in the first few minutes of the XT I was like, ‘this is never going to last past five minutes’, lol! But I managed the whole 25 minutes. While on it I over heard a personal trainer telling a newbie that she should be doing at least 10 speed on the XT. This shocked me a bit because while the girl was not really overweight (could probs lose a stone I guess) 10 is quite hardcore. I do sometimes reach that but it feels like my legs are going at cartoon speed and its very hard to keep up long term. But anyway, that’s something I’ll ask my instructor next week.

Because I’ve booked in another review. I could probably go another couple of weeks until I have one, although I am 6 weeks in since the last one, because due to a week off it’s taking a bit longer to fill my card… but well we all know this past month has been a real struggle for me. If it wasn’t food tempting me, I was getting ill and then finding it hard to get back into the exercise. And while my exercise motivation is okay at the moment I could do with that extra bit of motivation so when I saw my instructor managing the desk today I thought I’d book her in. I didn’t say the reason why yet, I just booked myself in. She’s so enthusiastic about everything: life, weightloss, exercise that I think the meeting will do me the world of good. So I have my next review for next Thursday. I wanted to give myself a week to get that extra bit of weight off. She said, “I’m sure you’re going to shock me with your weightloss again this time!” to which I responded, “I hope so!” She then told me that she can see that I have “lost a lot of weight since the last review”. See what I mean! I need this woman in my life to keep me on track! After that, I got on the XT and worked extra hard thinking, I have to be good with my food and lose a bit more. I’ve already lost a stone since my last review, which is the amount she likes to see, and a bit more is not going to hurt! And I’ll get my measurements done too! I really need this meetup!

So anyway, after the XT I went on the treadmill and did 3x 2 minute joggs. The first one I did at 7.0, 3.0 incline but my heart rate when I finished was 156 so the next two times I did it at 6.8 which gave me a heart rate of 154 at the end lol. Just after the second run (I was having about 3 min walks inbetween) I really felt the endorphins come flooding in. I really need those, I get off on them – I rely on them and look forward to them! I dread the XT before a session but I actively look forward to the jogging every time. I can’t wait until I am jogging the whole time!