Full of Cold

I had a good day yesterday with food. I managed to find a way around night time eating. I ate around 1000 calories during the day so that I had another 400 to play with during the night. Obviously, night time eating is not ideal but at the end of the day what matters is the amount of calories over all. I probably ended up going over by about 200 but that is much better than going over by 700 like I normally do!

Last week I had a good week and lost 6lbs but then over the next day or two I ended up putting it all back on again and returning to 15.4. A lot of that loss was through dehydration so it was not a complete surprise it went back on but there were binges involved. I have been exercising this week and I think that is helping but I have gradually been getting better and am down to 15.0 today. I feel so achieved with this because it has been slower and I know it is more likely to stay off. It encourages me not to binge too.

I have eight weeks until I am going on the cruise, which, at 2lbs per week, means I can lose 16lbs for the trip. This means I will weigh 13.12 stones. Getting into the 13’s has been a goal of mine for probably six months now, so I am just really going to go for it. I want to go work out this afternoon but I am full of cold today and I am not sure I should or whether I will achieve anything.

My hosting is running out on here today and I am too broke to pay for it again this week so the site may be down for a week or so but in the mean time I will write in http://groovybabe.wordpress.com

Quiche

I have been doing a lot of thinking about why, when I lose control, this happens? Am I greedy? Am I emotionally weak? Am I a junk food addict? One can never really know the full answer to this situation, just learn by their triggers and try to be better the next time.

Since I have been back on the ‘wagon’, I have been getting progressively better at handling my food. To the point of losing 6lbs in the first 5 days. That suddenly changed yesterday when we had quiche for dinner. To clarify, this was not homemade from fresh ingredients, it was a frozen quiche from the supermarket.

Within an hour of eating the quiche I felt a really strong need to eat and eat and eat. This was rather odd given I had just eaten a large meal and didn’t, previously to the meal, have much of an appitite at all. I resisted and resisted until about 9pm when I ended up giving in and having a one egg omelette inside a pita and then a bowl of cereal. Normally my binges are much bigger so I think I handled it well but still, the cravings seemed to come out of nowhere.

I woke up this morning ravenous. Given I ate before I slept I should not have been hungry for hours after waking. But I had a cup of tea and two toast, with marg and Jam. But I was still hungry and ended up having 3 weetabix and 2 more pieces of toast with another cup of tea within the hour (!). I told myself I would not have anything else until dinner. I had a nap and when I woke up I was hungry still. I managed to hold off until 12.30 when I made myself some plain noodles with a tin of tuna.

After eating that my hunger really subsided. Its now 3 hours since I ate the tuna and noodles and I am still not even remotely hungry. I think I am back on track. I am thankful it lasted less than 24 hours but it makes me realise just how powerful the chemicals are in junk and processed foods (such as the quiche) and how eating the right foods (such as plain noodles and tuna) can help to control appitite.

I think half the battle is in realising this.

On a side note, I have set up a challenge page for a little competition I am running to lose 10% of our body weight. It’s only me and Tigerlily at the moment so please join up!

wwonline

I weighed in this morning and was the same, 15.4 stones. Initially I was not impressed, I’d hoped – and thought – I would see a pound or so fall, after all I *have* been trying hard! But then I thought again and realised this is no bad thing. For the past 5 dayas before I started again I put on half a stone so the fact that I am maintaining does show a difference. I just think the scales do reflect eating behaviour. I have been much better but I havent been fantastic. Mostly though I have managed to restrict my appitite somewhat and that is a good thing.

Today I feel strong enough to go back onto wwonline so that is what I have done. I had a lay in today so didn’t eat until quarter to twelve so allowed myself a bigger than normal breakfast. I had an apple, a banana, 2 wholemeal bread with marg and jam. (5 points in total) The only thing missing was a cup of decaff tea, but I didn’t think of that until I was mid-way through my toast.

Today is Saturday, which means one thing. Party time! Actually I am not sure what is happening tonight yet, I am waiting on my friend and her ability to get a babysitter. But if I do go out I think I am going to stay away from beer. I have one left in the fridge so I will have that but then I will change to Malibu and diet coke, I think. I used to drink vodka and diet coke but that is 1 point per shot and Malibu is only half a point. So in theory I could have twice the amount! I will limit myself to 6 though, like I used to in the good old days when I was successful at dieting.

I am back on Xenical again today. I am just much more successful at not binging when I know I will suffer for it, so hopefully that will help. I have 12 days supply left, so I will see how I go with that and go back to the nurse for more if need be.

Not So Bad For Us

I am sitting here with a glass of water revelling, nay, basking in the glory that I have the loss of weight under control again. I woke up to another pound down today – 14.6, or 202lbs. I am so happy with this. My stomach is so much flatter but I think that is in part because I came on yesterday. I am so excited for the time when I have lost enough that it becomes noticable. I think the first time around it was at about 20lbs loss but hopefully as I have less to lose now it will be more dramatic sooner. Maybe wishful thinking, though!

This time starting dieting is such a different experience for me. I was morbidly obese, very alone, agoraphobic, living at my mums in a very stressful situation and having about 20 panic attacks a day. If I can manage to lose weight in that environment then frankly there is loads of hope for me now. I live in my own place, don’t have panic attacks or agoraphobia, have a very hectic weekend social life and am only just classed as ‘obese’ (3bmi away from overweight) and I have lots of friends. There is no reason whatsoever for me not to manage it now. Weightloss is not easy, as we all know, and it is a complete battle of the mind, but we also know how rewarding the results can be. THIS is what excites me.

For the record, not that this matters to me one way or the other but is good to have a record of, I am not using Xenical this time. This weightloss is completely natural. I mean it was natural last time, it bugs me when people assume it is not because of the pills, but you just have a helping hand kicking your habits into place. Critics of weightloss pills say the weight will all go back on afterwards or you’ll always rely on the tablets or you don’t learn proper eating habits and while I would agree this is the case with Reductil (which I did try once), it certainly is not the case with Xenical. Xenical is ALL about teaching good eating habits. But even so I am not going to use it just because I can. It was there and very beneficial to me at a time when all other avenues had failed me. I am not in the desperate situation now that I was in then and in some ways that will make weightloss harder but in other ways, easier.

Some people struggle to exercise when trying to lose weight and that holds them back but with me it is food I struggle with. I love food. I am a ganit. I am not fussy, will eat almost anything and in large portions too. Portion size has been the struggler for me. But cutting out bad foods too. Cheese, bread, ice cream, cakes, crisps, chocolate… you name it! I do find it easier to cut out than have in moderation though, and I feel healthier too. So this slightly unorthodox article by Amanda Ursell informing us of bad-foods-that-can-be-good really caught my eye. She tells us the nutritional benefits of red meat, white bread, kebabs, ice cream and butter! Articles like this should come with a warning to be taken with care. It’s all good knowing these can occassionally be ‘not so bad’ for us, but I do worry that some people will take the article literally and use it as an excuse to live on those foods, which would obviously not be sound health advice. But if you read between the lines, Amanda does make this very clear. Personally, I like the idea of ice cream for dessert every night (I actually started losing weight doing this last year!) and do eat red meat for the iron, but I am going to steer clear of white bread I think…

Keep Plodding On

I didn’t manage to stay away from the kitchen in the night, but I did try. The fact that the first two times I made myself get a drink only tells me this is a conscious thing. The third time I woke up I had some of my natural greek yogurt with honey (not too bad!) but then I woke up again a fourth time and ended up giving in and finishing the pot of yogurt and more honey (the yogurt turned out to be 600 calories without the honey!!). Plus 3 light digestive biscuits. Oops.

But I have decided to start being honest with myself. None of this stopping writing everything down the minute I fall off the wagon. I got up and put everything into MyNetDiary and it came back at 2500 calories for the whole day. According to that site, eating that amount every day I would still lose 1.1lb per week. This is why this site is beneficial to me. Normally I would consider eating that much a total diaster but it shows me that all is not lost. It also tells me to just keep trying every day and eventually it will sort itself out. I just have to not have things like natural greek yogurt and digestive biscuits on hand at night.

I am going to go shower now and get ready for the gym. I don’t feel up to it at all but I am not giving in. If I only do a weights session that has got to be better than nothing.

Yesterday’s calories: 2500
Yesterday’s exercise: 1 hour of walking
Yesterday’s water: 1litre
Today’s weight: 14.9

More Successful

I ate really badly last night throughout the night but when I woke up this morning I felt nauseous, I had the pre-sick water thing in my mouth, so I didn’t eat a thing until 2pm. I have just logged up my calories on this fantastic new site: www.mynetdiary.com and it has come up at 1600 calories. I also did an hour of walking today as well, so if I manage to not have a midnight binge, I should stay on track with weightloss.

I think I will be alright about not binging tonight. I seem to have begun to lose my appitite today. I guess that is down to feeling sick. I hope I am not feeling wiped out tomorrow and that I can enjoy a workout. Have decided that if my health is still affecting me come Monday I will go have some blood tests (its the panic anxiety sufferer in me worrying – I dont suffer now but the thought processes are still nagging at me).

In non-health related news, this morning I was locked in my apartment! I went to open the Yale lock and the door was jammed. I tried everything to open it and was about to ring the landlord to come out and sort it out when my Daddy arrived randomly and managed to fiddle it open! Phew!

I have updated the site again, it is very colourful. I still need to play around with it and touch it up, and sort out the sidebar but it looks different!

Mix Up

Current Weight: 14.0 stones
Yesterday’s Weight: 14.3 stones
Yesterday’s WW Points on track? Yes
Exercise Taken Yesterday: None
Challenge Points: 4

I am back to putting this information at the top of the post because when I was doing that last time it really helped me to stay on track and lose weight. So you can see from this information that yesterday I had a good day of staying on track. It was my first such day in many weeks. I find it so hard to keep the motivation when I havent been doing it for a while but I maintain it is a lot to do with the chemicals from bad foods that make it so uncontrollable. I woke up yesterday after my night out on Saturday and just decided that would be the day I get back on track. Instead of gorging on bad foods to nurse my hangover, which I have been doing lately, I decided to cook up a treat in the way of a home made vegetable soup. It was lovely and curbed my need for bad foods and binging. Lately I have had a real problem with eating through the night (because I don’t sleep well) and last night was the first night I did not feel the need to do that, despite being up until 4am, so there has to be a connection between eating bad foods and wanting to gorge in the night. It is all good though.

You may wonder what the “challenge points” are? Well Betz and I have been talking about setting up a new challenge to help re-motivate us into weightloss. Rather than go for who can lose the most weight, we thought we would offer points for good behaviour, and then the person with the most points at, say, the end of the month is the winner. If you would like to get involved with this then leave a comment and I will update your results every week (on a Monday). Here is how you get points:

• Staying on track with food (either on points or under 1500 calories) – 3 points
• Full workout at the gym – 3 points (half arsed one, 1 point)
• 5 fruit and veg – 1 point
• 2litres of water – 1 point
• 30 minutes of exercise – 1 point (you cant count this into your gym workout to get more points, this is exercise other than a gym workout)

If I can think of other things to add for points then I will, if you have any ideas then let me know, but these are the basic stay healthy-stay on track incentives. I will do a weekly update, but the overall winner will be monthly.

I have changed my layout back to my original one. This is psychological in the main part. I was doing really really well when I had this layout. So I am hoping by putting it back up it will bring me success again. Plus it is pretty.

Today is also weigh in day. Last week I weighed in at 14.0 stones (196lbs) but over the next four days I was gorging through the night uncontrollably as I hinted at above, and by Thursday weighed in at 14.9!!! Saturday I weighed in at 14.3 and today I have weighed in at my lowest weight again of 14.0, so while I havent officially lost on my weekly weigh in, it is a huge success that I managed to regain control again and not end up two stone heavier. I am really looking forward to being in the 13’s now, like you cannot imagine. And it is going to happen in the next few days!!

Where to go?

I am torn between giving up on this journal now, and seeing it through to the end (until I am at my target weight). I’m not really feeling it these days like I used to. In the beginning I got a lot out of writing about my journey, and the comments you left, but now my weightloss is very much incorporated into my lifestyle rather than my lifestyle being incorporated into my weightloss, as it was in the beginning. This means I do not give my weightloss the thought or attention that I once did because I no longer feel the need to. At the moment I really just eat what and when I feel like it and through all the walking and gym (when I go) I do seem to be slowly dwindling on the scales. The weight is coming off a lot more slowly now but I am fine with that because a)loose skin is a problem and I want to counter that which means slow weightloss and b) I actually have a life now I am not morbidly obese and urgent weightloss is not at the top of my agenda now, I am more interested in living my life and working towards being healthier.

That said, I had another big night last night and am not feeling very healthy right now!

This week I have been sleeping terribly. I have been taking Nytol to help me to sleep, but waking up every hour or so and sub-consciously eating my way through anything immediately edible in the kitchen! It has been driving me to distraction. I have to try to break that habit.

I didn’t go to the gym much this week. I get so tired from not sleeping properly, and the last thing I want to do is go to the gym in those circs. But I need to! I am going to make more of an effort this week, I think.

A friend of mine is doing a 6-mile run for charity and told me yesterday that she has not been training for it at all!

“OMG!”, I exclaimed, “do you know just how far 6 miles is??!”

She says she knows, but I have my birthday celebrations the night before so I will be surprised if she manages it at all to be honest!

I saw another friend last night, a male friend. I used to have a huge crush on him about ten years ago. He was gorgeous. But time has not been kind. He has put on a lot of weight. I was shocked how low his esteem had fallen. Ten years ago you couldnt touch his confidence, no one loved him more than he did! But all night last night he kept going on and on about how fat he had gotten. I told him to go on a diet if it bothers him that much but he wasnt interested. I know if you’re overweight and struggle to diet is one thing, I mean at least you’re trying, but I really don’t understand people who feel their lives are worse off because they are big and yet don’t WANT to put the effort in. Obesity is an interesting psychological disorder.

Drastic Drop in Appitite

I am rather concerned about how far my appitite has dropped.  I ate a salmon fillet and a 2 bar kitkat yesterday and thats it. And I threw up the kitkat (I was drunk). I did have loads of calories in alcohol though so I probs did get my quota lol. But in food that I kept down 2.5 ww points.

I havent slept all night and cannot sleep yet. I’ve been awake 26 hours. All I have eaten today is one sandwich (I forced it down because I was feeling light headed) and I got an apple and a jaffa orange from the fruit bowl an hour ago and ate the apple and the jaffa is still sat there and I dont remotely want it.

This is so unlike me. A couple of weeks ago I couldnt control my binging.

If it carries on like this until my weigh in next monday I will have lost a stone in 2 weeks. It should take 6 weeks. I shouldnt complain as you can really see me getting slimmer now but its really not good and I’m concerned there may be a medical reason behind it.

Either that or I’ve just taken the dieting far too far.

I’m going to book an appointment to see the weightloss nurse tomorrow I think.

***

NYE was great too! I went out feeling so good about myself (I almost wore a dress lol) and had a fabbo night and even got a new years kiss from a guy I kinda like. Who’d have thought I’d have guys I like following me around pubs LOL.

Pain In The…

Today’s weight: 14.13
Yesterday’s weight: 15.1
Points consumed yesterday: 17.5 out of 24 (4 banked)
Exercise yesterday: none

As I write this I do not know what todays weigh in is as I haven’t done it yet, but I will do before I post.

I think my appitite is reducing. My sleep pattern is out ofsync and I woke up at 1pm yesterday so my meal times were not traditional. I was up all night (fell to sleep at 7am this morning) but didn’t eat throughout the nigh, I just wasn’t hungry. Okay I did have half a sandwich about 4am but because I was feeling faint rather than because I was hungry. But I guess it could be because I wasnt eating at traditional times. I tend to feel hungry at the “right” times but I suspect this is not true hunger so much as expectation of hunger. So, I wouldn’t normally be eating in the night so I didn’t get hungry…

Sciatica update… not that there is anything to update but this is a “health” blog, even if it is weightloss-centric… its still hurting.  Last night I was feeling quite low still. It was the psychological aspect, not even being able to bend over to pick things up off the floor, and walking from room to room being a task and a half. One time I bent over to pick something up from the floor and when I got up I had discomfort/pain on the left side of my waist, which got me to wondering whether it *is* a slipped disc after all. This is because to date all my pain has been down my right side; from my lower back down my right leg. It was an odd feeling in the left side of my waist. I say my waist but that suggests an exterior pain and its very much inside up and down the wall of my torso… I dunno, I am not a doctor. I should get back to the doctors. I did notice a bit of an improvement in the pain today though so hopefully I am on the road to recovery.

14.13 – yay!!!!