Only Two Stones To Go

I am trying to write in here regularly, for myself and for you readers, so I know I am keeping up with the weightloss. It is sometimes hard to know what to write though, that I haven’t written about over and over in the past.

I did go out at the weekend in the end, I am weak! I can stay in but then I think of all my friends out having fun without me and I give in!! Oh well, it does do me the world of good. My spirits are usually high after the weekend.

More than usual at the moment because I weighed in at 14.12. When I started some time last week (I can’t remember which day) at my highest I was 15.2, so that is a loss of 4lbs. I cannot complain at all.

I am right in the weightloss zone too, at a point where not over-eating is fairly easy. It always takes some time to get used to but I am glad I am at that point again. I have a feeling this is going to be the time where I lose substantially again, too. I am so excited, mainly because 13.0 is not that far away and once I get to 12.14 I won’t consider myself “fat” any more. So, that is less than 2 stones to lose.

I Love Your Skirt!

Hello. Feeling a bit worse for wear today. All self-inflicted though!! I weighed in at 14.5 today (I was 14.9 yesterday), don’t you just love hangover weigh ins?!! Shame it’s likely to be up again tomorrow…

I have been feeling (and looking) crap lately. I get fed up not having any new clothes and I was window shopping yesterday (always a bad idea with money in your purse) and came across this most gorgeous skirt EVER! I walked away because it wasn’t cheap but it was all I could think of. I ended up going back to buy it reasoning that I never spend a lot on clothes and I never find a piece of clothing I like this much (I am soooo fussy because I am paranoid about whether I look okay in it) and I was depressed and ergo deserved it! It turned out to be such a great buy! When my friend, L, arrived before we went out she was amazed, she loved it so much!! She told me it was slimming too (I don’t think it is). I started getting paranoid that it made me look fat and then my other friend, J, arrived and was really very full of compliments about it too! I loved that it was a different look for me. Normally I am all in black but this skirt was like a grey/khaki colour and in a gypsy style. When I was in the pub I got lots of compliments too. Even this guy I have liked for agggges who I have known about a year and has never passed a compliment to me before told me “you look really nice tonight, Groovybabe” (well, obviously he did not refer to me as Groovybabe, that would have been more than a little alarming!) I asked him if he was joking around, winding me up etc and he said he was not “I am paying you a compliment; compliments where compliments are due, you look lovely tonight”, he said and added “I really like your skirt, is it new?” WTF a man (I like!) complimenting AND noticing my clothes!!! I told him it was nice of him to notice!!! I do love my skirt. I wish I could wear it out every weekend!!!

Confidence

I widgetized my sidebar and it messed up the background and looked funny and I couldn’t work out how to fix it so I have taken off my colourful background image. :’( At least it looks clean, I guess.

I went out last night and have vague memories of tequila shots and am feeling rather delicate so the fact that I am writing in here today now is testiment to just how serious I am about wanting to get back on track with losing.

I weighed myself just now and am still 14.9. It is starting to fustrate me a little bit now. I always always lose weight after a big night but I haven’t this week. Probably something to do with the lovely big burger I ate last night (before I went out) but it was delicious! I didn’t dance last night really so did not burn off calories but I did end up walking across the city at 4am on my own to get to my mums house because I lost my friends and had no money on me. I know! I was very scared but luckily nothing happened to me. Actually I ran for a quite a while too. W00t.

When I lost all that weight I felt so confident, I was untouchable. I really felt on top of the world. But the last few months I have started dating again and due to bad choices (when will I learn!?) my confidence has slowly been eroding. It hasn’t helped that due to boy-stress I ended up putting 10lbs on so when I looked in the mirror lately and could visably see those 10lbs around my waistline, my confidence has plummeted further. The last few weeks I have got my mojo back, and my sense of equilibrium, so I have slowly been re-gaining control of what I eat. But the thoughts I have when I look in the mirror these last few days are quite worrying. I haven’t felt this bad about myself (well, my look) since I weighed 19 stone. I really don’t know what I can do about it other than to start losing weight again (don’t bother telling me weightloss on its own won’t bring confidence – it does!) so I need to get really serious about this. REALLY SERIOUS.

Here are my intentions:

• Stick to 1600 calories, or less.
• Do NOT eat during the night. Ever.
• Drink 2-3 litres of fluids every day.
• Some form of exercise every day.
• Gym 3x a week.
• Weigh myself daily.
• Write in my blog daily.
• Keep my food diary updated.

I am also going to the doctors tomorrow for a blood test. I have been feeling wiped out for weeks now and it is not only intefering with my exercise plan but my life in general. I don’t think it can be anything too serious as I have not had it affect my weight but I think it is a good idea to get these things checked out.

Where to go?

I am torn between giving up on this journal now, and seeing it through to the end (until I am at my target weight). I’m not really feeling it these days like I used to. In the beginning I got a lot out of writing about my journey, and the comments you left, but now my weightloss is very much incorporated into my lifestyle rather than my lifestyle being incorporated into my weightloss, as it was in the beginning. This means I do not give my weightloss the thought or attention that I once did because I no longer feel the need to. At the moment I really just eat what and when I feel like it and through all the walking and gym (when I go) I do seem to be slowly dwindling on the scales. The weight is coming off a lot more slowly now but I am fine with that because a)loose skin is a problem and I want to counter that which means slow weightloss and b) I actually have a life now I am not morbidly obese and urgent weightloss is not at the top of my agenda now, I am more interested in living my life and working towards being healthier.

That said, I had another big night last night and am not feeling very healthy right now!

This week I have been sleeping terribly. I have been taking Nytol to help me to sleep, but waking up every hour or so and sub-consciously eating my way through anything immediately edible in the kitchen! It has been driving me to distraction. I have to try to break that habit.

I didn’t go to the gym much this week. I get so tired from not sleeping properly, and the last thing I want to do is go to the gym in those circs. But I need to! I am going to make more of an effort this week, I think.

A friend of mine is doing a 6-mile run for charity and told me yesterday that she has not been training for it at all!

“OMG!”, I exclaimed, “do you know just how far 6 miles is??!”

She says she knows, but I have my birthday celebrations the night before so I will be surprised if she manages it at all to be honest!

I saw another friend last night, a male friend. I used to have a huge crush on him about ten years ago. He was gorgeous. But time has not been kind. He has put on a lot of weight. I was shocked how low his esteem had fallen. Ten years ago you couldnt touch his confidence, no one loved him more than he did! But all night last night he kept going on and on about how fat he had gotten. I told him to go on a diet if it bothers him that much but he wasnt interested. I know if you’re overweight and struggle to diet is one thing, I mean at least you’re trying, but I really don’t understand people who feel their lives are worse off because they are big and yet don’t WANT to put the effort in. Obesity is an interesting psychological disorder.

Incentive

This post is bought to you from Hangover City, LOL. Ha! Yes, I went out last night and actually I havent slept yet as my sleep is so rubbish at the moment!!

I am writing this with a hangover to demonstrate how on my mind all this weightloss stuff is. I really want to lose a bit more weight to take me to the next level but I have a reason for urgency now! And, yes, it involves a man! A very very lovely man who is one of my best friends in the world. A bit of back history.

I bet him in 1995 and instantly fancied him, but a generic experience with many fatties, he started dating my ultra gorgeous, slim and confident best mate. Me and said friend drifted apart while they were together (3 years) and because I’d had her brothers baby and we’d split up. Once my friend and her BF split up I was able to pick up a friendship with him. He always knew I had a crush on him, and he wasn’t interested because he is a self-confessed lover of petite girls, and I am anything but! But over the years we developed a very close friendship from this odd situation. We’ve had our ups and downs (my ego doesnt cope when he wants to date my girlfriends after that initial experience!) and actually last year I walked away from our friendship because he was flirting outrageously with my best friend and I could not cope with it. But when he realised I had cut him out of my life, and why, he rang me up and apologised for upsetting me, and told me just how much I mean to him. That was nice because he’d never said before. He also told me I mean more to him than a flirt with my BF and assured me I had nothing to worry about there. This is a guy friend who has no romantic interest but have gone to these levels to claim back our friendship. It meant the world to me. He now tells me how he feels all the time. Since we got back in touch we have become closer and closer. Don’t get me wrong, as much as I love him, this is not a romantic closeness (unless I am a size zero some time soon that is never going to happen!). We talk on the phone all the time and I cherish his friendship probably more than I do anyone else in my life. And I know I am one of his top peeps too.

He is my biggest supporter in everything I do, from pursuing guys I like, my career, my son and especially my weightloss. The last time I saw him (he’s relocated for work) I weighed 18 stone, having just lost my first stone. He is always asking for updates on my weightloss and when I talk to him when I am drunk I keep telling him he better not come on to me when I reach goal (I think thats wishful thinking more than anything else, lol). So I last saw him 4 stone ago, which was last summer. I keep on at him to come down and see me. But he says he has nowhere to stay so I have told him he can come and stay here. We did a deal that if I cook him meals he will come and stay, as he loves food. I told him he is in good company, LOL. So, to recap, I havent seen him since I was 18st. I am now 14 and I am going to try and arrange it so that he comes down for my birthday weekend, which is in the middle of March. So now I want to lose another stone for when he visits me! (Don’t worry, this is not about us getting together but just so I can get a few compliments, lol) I think it is a pretty good incentive!!!

We were chatting about weightloss the other night actually. He tells me that he thinks I am aiming too low as a final goal. He’s told me off about this more than once actually. I want to be 9 1/2 stone and a size 10. But he says that will be too small for my frame, that I will be too “bony”, LOL. He thinks I should aim for a size 12. But then in another conversation he will describe his ideal woman as weighing 8 1/2 stone!!! He amuses me, but I feel thankful for such a powerful insight into the psyche of a man!

On a different note, another side of me is fearful of losing any more weight. Loose skin is really starting to be a problem, to the point where I am self conscious about it. I worry that the more I lose, the worse it will get. But then I think I either lose weight and reach my goal and put up with saggy skin/have an op, or stay quite fat and still not be happy with what I have got. I dont really have much choice do I!!!!

So anyway I am back in the gym tomorrow, and back on weightwatchers and am really going to refocus myself and get to the next stage in time for his visit, and my birthday!! Wish me luck!!

Where I’m At

Hello. I am rubbish, I know. But I am thinking about weightloss, even if I havent been doing it. To be honest I have fallen out of doing anything really for a good few weeks. There are a number of factors as to why this has happened (such as sciatica, insomnia, laziness, life getting in the way) but ultimately the truth is I am rubbish and have let life get in the way. Albeit temporarily. I weighed in today for the first time since Monday and was pleased to see that I have maintained the same weight of 14.5, which given how much I have eaten and how little I have exercised is nothing short of a miracle.

I actually wanted to go back to the gym this week. Monday. But I had a personal crisis which meant that I didn’t. I would like to go today but I am really scared that it will set off my Sciatica and I won’t be able to go out tomorrow night. I love my Saturday nights out now, I live for the weekend. I havent been to the gym for a month really and in that time I have not had a single Sciatica issue. When I am regularly working out I cannot go two weeks without being dibilitated with the condition, the last time to the point where I could not walk for 10 days. So you see my fear? I will just have to start going again on Monday.

My weekends are so cool right now. I go out with friends, get drunk and make a fool of myself. It’s great! I am so much more confident these days. A few months ago I could not go out without having a panic attack and now… I don’t have panic attacks or anxiety anymore!! Where I go they have a photographer there and every week pictures show up of me under the influence on Facebook. It’s funny. Once upon a time I would have been absolutely horrified. Some times I look really dodgy in the pictures but more often than not it is me tagging myself in them!

I feel so much more confident in my skin. This is the feeling I was after from the beginning. Of course, I still have a way to go but I no longer feel that I am grotesque or someone who should not be seen in public. This has largely come from male attention, I have to admit. It is something I am getting a lot more of these days.  And even from guys that I actually fancy, too. Of course, it is guys I am not interested in who want to go the whole 9 yards, so I am just having fun enjoying the attention right now.

But feeling attractive again after not doing so for so long has its down points as well as it’s up points. Because I seem to have lost that urgency I had to lose weight. I still want to lose weight but I don’t think it is urgent so have become quite slack really. But I have been 14.5 for a month now, so I am thinking I need to go full throttle and get down to 13.5 now. I know I can do it, I just have to put the effort in.

Weigh In 07/01/2008

Today’s weight: 14.2
Yesterday’s weight: 14.3
Points consumed yesterday: No idea – I ate an egg sandwhich, an egg in bagel and a crossant, and that is it.
Exercise yesterday: none

Weigh in – I am six pounds down from last monday. I am now 14.2, or 198 or 89.8. I am under 90kgs! I am in onederland! and with any luck this time next Monday I will be reporting that I am in the 13 era.

I went to the gym on Friday morning after all. I was bracing myself for all the New Years Resolutioners and there was only 2 people in the gym, and I was one of them. There was a notice up to say the PT is leaving now, the gym is really changing I dont recognise half of the staff there. I did some good workouts. My sciatic nerve started playing up almost immediately and it has made me really concerned that its going to get the better of my exercise intentions but I needed to work out so I ignored the discomfort and hoped for the best. I feared I would wake up the next morning unable to walk but that did not happen, thankfully. I upped my continous jogging from 10 minutes to 15 minutes. I always make sure I do 20 minutes worth of jogging so soon I will be doing my jogging stint in one go.

I should go to the gym today but I had a really manic weekend. As well as being out on NYE, I was also out Friday and Saturday night too. It was pretty good to have such a fantastic social life and I have made many more new friends through going out. And I get hit on pretty much as much as anyone else these days, which is fab. I also wore a UK size 14 top out on the weekend, much to my glee. My reason for laying off the gym is not because I am tired but because I feel sick and have a throbbing headache. It might just be remnants from the weekend, and I hope so, because that means tomorrow I can get back into it.

Drastic Drop in Appitite

I am rather concerned about how far my appitite has dropped.  I ate a salmon fillet and a 2 bar kitkat yesterday and thats it. And I threw up the kitkat (I was drunk). I did have loads of calories in alcohol though so I probs did get my quota lol. But in food that I kept down 2.5 ww points.

I havent slept all night and cannot sleep yet. I’ve been awake 26 hours. All I have eaten today is one sandwich (I forced it down because I was feeling light headed) and I got an apple and a jaffa orange from the fruit bowl an hour ago and ate the apple and the jaffa is still sat there and I dont remotely want it.

This is so unlike me. A couple of weeks ago I couldnt control my binging.

If it carries on like this until my weigh in next monday I will have lost a stone in 2 weeks. It should take 6 weeks. I shouldnt complain as you can really see me getting slimmer now but its really not good and I’m concerned there may be a medical reason behind it.

Either that or I’ve just taken the dieting far too far.

I’m going to book an appointment to see the weightloss nurse tomorrow I think.

***

NYE was great too! I went out feeling so good about myself (I almost wore a dress lol) and had a fabbo night and even got a new years kiss from a guy I kinda like. Who’d have thought I’d have guys I like following me around pubs LOL.

Happy New Year!

Today’s weight: 14.8
Yesterday’s weight: 14.9
Points consumed yesterday: 17/24
Exercise yesterday: none

Look at my weight! It’s gone down another lb! I have no appitite at the moment and it was such a STRUGGLE to eat 17 of my 24 points. It was my ww weigh in today and since last Monday I have lost SIX POUNDS!

Betzy! I have won our first challenge! I reached half a stone loss!

In ww I have achieved my first 7lb loss star and have lost a total of 10lbs since starting it nearly 3 weeks ago.

I am 204lbs. How close to onederland am I???!!

More importantly, I have reached an important goal. When I weighed 19 stone/266lbs/121kg I set a goal of being 14 and a half stones by the end of the year and I have met that! Well one pound above 14.7 but still, I am not complaining! Given how much of a struggle I have had recently I am really proud of myself for getting there. If someone said to me this time last year that I would weigh 14.8 in one years time I would have laughed myself into a stroke. LOL.

I am ending the year with a 62lb loss! SIXTY TWO! How fab am I? And I did that inside 6 months!!!

I am going out tonight to celebrate the new year. I can’t wait. I havent been out drinking for about five or six weeks!! I really need to de-stress, and de-stress I will.

Happy New Year to everyone who reads this journal. Thank you for sticking with me during the ups and not so ups! You rock!!

Mixed Up Mess (In My Head)

I am sorry I have been AWOL for a few days. I have been going through some emotional turmoil and I wasn’t following my diet much less bothering with mine or other people’s blogs with any sense of commitment.

My sleep, due to the emotional turmoil, has been a complete mess too. As a result I have been eating crap (mostly bread) and not eating meals and stuff. Day and night. I was really worried about getting on the scales this morning as it was the first time in 3 days but doing so has saved me. I have lost 3lbs. REALLY not sure how that one happened! I have been GORGING. And I havent been to the gym in over a week. I guess my motabolism is just in much better shape these days. (I have the flu/cold as a reason for not having been to the gym.)

When we think about losing a significant amount of weight, we do think of the problems we may encounter. These, we assume, are largely our own psychological issues. But to anyone who has lost a significant amount of weight, or if you know someone who has, do you find personal relationships change with the weightloss?

The dynamics of some of my relationships are changing. Some for the better, others not so much. I really do not want to go into details here but I guess losing weight, gaining in confidence and becoming more attractive to the opposite sex can bring its own problems. How we deal with them is paramount, I guess. I lost my social skills to a large extent when I became morbidly obese and am trying to re-learn them but it is a long and sometimes debilitating journey. For example, looking better in the mirror than I feel in my head is weird. You have the new found confidence from obviously looking better and yet your head-space is still screaming ‘you fat, good for nothing, waste of space – go hide now!’ Trying to bring the two together, while trying to convince those around you that you are still ultimately the same person you was six months ago is a skill I am yet to learn.