Clothes Shopping

I havent bought any clothes for ages just because finances dictate that I can’t. I decided to go window shopping today but when I saw the sales I could not help myself. New Look had a huge markdown. I got a jean skirt, black going out skirt, a pink gypsy skirt, a tshirt and a cardi top all for £26 ($50)!!! I may have spent money I don’t really have but I think clothes shopping has done me the world of good.

It’s about taking pride in my appearance and caring what I look like. I think I have forgotten to care. I am struggling to stay in a size 16 at the moment (my size 18 trousers are getting scarily comfy!) but I refused to go up a size with my new clothes, so I bought it all in a size 16. This means I have to work a bit harder to look good in my clothes.

You know, I see clothes in a size 8 and 10 (US 6 and 8) and they look so tiny but they’re not. I think what I wouldn’t give to fit in those, but then if I would give anything I would just get on and lose, wouldn’t I? If only it were that easy.

Tigerlily has been such a source of inspiration to me. She is a fitness fanatic (like I was a few months ago!) and she recently posted a picture of her arms looking fab. A while ago we were a few pounds apart but now she is 20 or so pounds less than me. This is what happens when one keeps on plodding on and the other gives up! TL you really do inspire me, even when I am severely depressed so thank you!!

Oh I have also ordered a pair of jeans and some leggings from Republic. I LOVE that shop!

I Love Your Skirt!

Hello. Feeling a bit worse for wear today. All self-inflicted though!! I weighed in at 14.5 today (I was 14.9 yesterday), don’t you just love hangover weigh ins?!! Shame it’s likely to be up again tomorrow…

I have been feeling (and looking) crap lately. I get fed up not having any new clothes and I was window shopping yesterday (always a bad idea with money in your purse) and came across this most gorgeous skirt EVER! I walked away because it wasn’t cheap but it was all I could think of. I ended up going back to buy it reasoning that I never spend a lot on clothes and I never find a piece of clothing I like this much (I am soooo fussy because I am paranoid about whether I look okay in it) and I was depressed and ergo deserved it! It turned out to be such a great buy! When my friend, L, arrived before we went out she was amazed, she loved it so much!! She told me it was slimming too (I don’t think it is). I started getting paranoid that it made me look fat and then my other friend, J, arrived and was really very full of compliments about it too! I loved that it was a different look for me. Normally I am all in black but this skirt was like a grey/khaki colour and in a gypsy style. When I was in the pub I got lots of compliments too. Even this guy I have liked for agggges who I have known about a year and has never passed a compliment to me before told me “you look really nice tonight, Groovybabe” (well, obviously he did not refer to me as Groovybabe, that would have been more than a little alarming!) I asked him if he was joking around, winding me up etc and he said he was not “I am paying you a compliment; compliments where compliments are due, you look lovely tonight”, he said and added “I really like your skirt, is it new?” WTF a man (I like!) complimenting AND noticing my clothes!!! I told him it was nice of him to notice!!! I do love my skirt. I wish I could wear it out every weekend!!!

Weigh In 07/01/2008

Today’s weight: 14.2
Yesterday’s weight: 14.3
Points consumed yesterday: No idea – I ate an egg sandwhich, an egg in bagel and a crossant, and that is it.
Exercise yesterday: none

Weigh in – I am six pounds down from last monday. I am now 14.2, or 198 or 89.8. I am under 90kgs! I am in onederland! and with any luck this time next Monday I will be reporting that I am in the 13 era.

I went to the gym on Friday morning after all. I was bracing myself for all the New Years Resolutioners and there was only 2 people in the gym, and I was one of them. There was a notice up to say the PT is leaving now, the gym is really changing I dont recognise half of the staff there. I did some good workouts. My sciatic nerve started playing up almost immediately and it has made me really concerned that its going to get the better of my exercise intentions but I needed to work out so I ignored the discomfort and hoped for the best. I feared I would wake up the next morning unable to walk but that did not happen, thankfully. I upped my continous jogging from 10 minutes to 15 minutes. I always make sure I do 20 minutes worth of jogging so soon I will be doing my jogging stint in one go.

I should go to the gym today but I had a really manic weekend. As well as being out on NYE, I was also out Friday and Saturday night too. It was pretty good to have such a fantastic social life and I have made many more new friends through going out. And I get hit on pretty much as much as anyone else these days, which is fab. I also wore a UK size 14 top out on the weekend, much to my glee. My reason for laying off the gym is not because I am tired but because I feel sick and have a throbbing headache. It might just be remnants from the weekend, and I hope so, because that means tomorrow I can get back into it.

Some Thoughts

I weighed in at 14.12, or 208lbs, or 94.5kg. I didn’t end up doing a proper weigh in coz I am lazy. I will do one some time this week, possibly tomorrow or Friday. I have decided to have a proper weigh in once a month now because my rate of loss is much slower I just don’t feel I need to declare my weight on a weekly basis. I will still weigh in most days and update my sidebar accordingly.

Although my previous lowest weigh in was 14.13, I did go up to 15.3 again. The day I left for London (Friday) I weighed 15.2 so I have in fact lost 4lbs in 4 days of being in London. I only really ate my meals when I was up there but I did consume a lot of bread so I am hoping to reduce that again this week. I wish I could do without bread entirely but when I do I get obsessed with rice crackers and end up consuming more. And I am not inventive enough to come up with alternatives the whole time. I might have another go at making sushi this week.

I have just walked my son to school and I jogged half way home! Outside. In public. Heh. After how weak I felt in the gym yesterday I am taking every opportunity to raise my game. I also want to get into the low 14’s and late 13’s. It is funny, now I am in the 14’s firmly I am allowing myself to dream of the 13 stone era. I have a way to go yet but it is so much closer than it ever was and it is so exciting. I am also looking set to weigh under 200lbs by Christmas/New Year. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

I am really starting to fall in love with my figure, possibly for the first time in my life. I guess because I was so big I can fully appreciate how far I have come. I love that my figure is more a straight highway than a short bumpy road with lots of twists and turns.  I love how I can do so much more with my body now I have lost a lot of the excess weight. I love how I can look so much better in clothes and wear clothes I couldn’t dream of wearing in the past. I love the attention I am getting, and how I am treated so much differently.

Colleen Nolan from Loose Women was saying yesterday that she has lost 3 stone now and people treat her so much better. But not only that she is getting more offers of work now she has lost weight. People used to tell me I was imagining it when I would say I would be treated badly for being fat. Or if I wasn’t imagining it then I was paronoid because how can I possibly know it is because I am fat? But believe me, if you are being treated badly for being fat then you know about it. And I feel completely justified in those feelings now because I am treated absolutely differently these days.

There is a guy I have known for ages, years. We met online but met in real life in 2002 once. I was pretty fat then (about 18 stone) but he was cool. We had fun for a few days (purely platonic) but the last few days he has seen pictures of me at my current weight and keeps making remarks about me in a romantic light. I am not interested in him in the slightest in that way, I never have been. But it is kind of a little bit offensive that he is only seeing me in this light now, when we have known each other 6 years. I am the same person I always was. Well up to an extent. I guess personality does change with weightloss, but it is not my personality he has been commenting on. He is not the only one. I have lots coming out of the woodwork who have strangely been rather quiet the last five years or so, and lots of newbies too. Anyone who says weight is not the be all and end all is clearly deluded. 😛

***

I walked up the slope from Waterloo East train station yesterday over to the main station, something I haven’t done since I was at my fattest. It used to be quite an ordeal getting up there. On shows that enable people to lose weight they always use bags of sugar or lard to express how much a person loses and I always thought that was not true. While it probably was the same weight for weight, it was different carrying it. But walking up that hill and noticing just how much easier it was I realised I really have lost 58lbs of lard.

***

The governement/media have come up with yet another angle to berate obesity. Apparently, being obese drastically increases your risk of dying in childbirth. Now I know childbirth while fat is not the nicest experience as I talked about before, but the BBC article in question says that “More than half the 295 women who died [in the UK] during or after pregnancy between 2003 and 2005 were overweight or obese.” But then later on the article actually states that “Fifteen per cent of the mothers who died were morbid or super-morbidly obese.” So over 35% were”just” obese as opposed to “morbid” or “super-morbid”, which actually suggests it is more dangerous to have a BMI of 30-39 in pregnancy than 40+! At least if you are going to write an article with dramatic headlines make your piece stand up. LOL

Because You’re Ugly.

Today is the first time I have looked in the mirror and thought, not just wow, but WOWWEE! LOL! You can really see my shape emerging, less blob more just overweight!

I am getting soo many comments from people, they are really coming in thick and fast. I turned up at my best mates last night after not seeing her for 2-3 weeks, wearing my tight fitting old-new jeans that I can now wear, and a top I bought the other week – both in UK size 18’s – and she was omg look at you, you’ve lost LOADS!!!!! And she doesn’t part with comments easily.

Today I saw my brother who is normally so absolutely blunt about what he thinks about my figure. The things hes said to me in the past have had me in tears and at one point caused us to have an actual fist fight. But he was like ‘you’ve lost a hell of a lot of weight compared to how you used to look’.

Even my mum yesterday was like you’re doing REALLY well with the weightloss arent you?!!!

So if any of you wonder at what point people start to really notice, then I can tell you its at 43 pound loss, LOL!

I am having some trying times in my real professional life right now so I went out to let off some steam last night. I am surprised I do not have a hangover with the amount I put away last night, and the fact that I drank on an empty stomach because I’ve had no appitite for a few days now. Anyway. Last night was the first night that I felt any semblence of confidence and would have been open to meeting a man. The first time in seven or eight years (I stopped counting at five). Then later on that night, and this is almost too funny to publish, I asked a friend of a friend if he had any fit mates and he told me he had plenty but none of them would be interested in me because I am ugly! This is coming from a guy who a few weeks back seemed like he’d do anything to get close to me, LOL!!! I was in shock when it happened, and don’t worry I gave as good as I got, and all his friends went mad at him and said it wasn’t true so he got pay back but now I am just like hahahaha that is hilarious, coming from an oil painting such as him! 😛

But I feel sooo good about my body right now and that is all that matters. I am well on my way to those 50lb losses I talked about and the er, um, before and after pictures I promised. I have to say though it will be a brave day I publish my fat pictures, they make me want to cry!

Jack Osbourne on Weightloss

I was reading a magazine at the gym today where Jack Osbourne was asked if he felt proud of himself for losing weight.

He responded with ‘not really… I mean, I’d feel proud if I saved a baby from a burning building or something… but for getting off my lazy arse and getting my health back…? Not so much…’

I’m paraphrasing of course, because I don’t have the magazine with me but I liked his point that it is something we should do anyway, without self congratulation.

But on the other hand when you are fat it *is* a task and a half getting yourself back in shape and staying that way. And you deserve all the praise you get when you do this…

…

I am in the process of packing as I am moving tomorrow (if I disappear for a few days it is because I am waiting for my phone to be connected up). Whilst packing I got out a pair of jeans to box up. These are jeans I bought about two years ago but have never worn them because I couldn’t get them past my bum! Well I decided to try them on and not only did they go all the way up but I was able to do them up and sit down in them too!! They are still a tad tight but it’s something that I have come so far in such a short space of time! I am seeing changes daily now.

Differences

I am really starting to see the effects of my hard work and enthusiasm toward weightloss and it is nothing less than thrilling. There are many exciting things but one of the aspects of weightloss that is so good to me is not only re-gaining mobility but being more active in the day to day of things. I go to the gym 3x per week, which has obviously helped with my energy levels, but I am really noticing a change on non-gym days too. Yesterday, I met my friend in town and we went clothes shopping for FOUR hours and then went home and got ready to go out. I ended up not only dancing the night away but walking quite a distance too. Back in the day, before weightloss, I physically couldn’t have managed it. I always prided myself in being fit “for my size” up until about 17 stone + but at 19 stone, I could walk a twenty minute walk but would have to stop for a sit down half way there because the small of my back hurt too much, too much pressure on it I guess. And I had no energy. It would take me all week to muster up the energy to do that one walk and then I wouldn’t do it again for as long as I coud avoid it. I felt trapped in my own body but of course I’d locked myself in my own body and then eaten the key. And yet now, even after so much exercise yesterday, I am gagging to get some more exercise. I don’t feel the after effects of so much exercise yesterday. And I did a major workout at the gym two days in a row two days before this extra activity. Such major accomplishments, more so than seeing clothes sizes go down, because I always felt that my weight was hindering living my life. I long to return to a time, when I was about 20, where I lived my life without concern for whether I’d manage an event/day/whatever. I want the agility of a teenager again. I thought maybe this wasn’t possible now I am in my early thirties but I am starting to realise it really is.

Last night while I was in the toilet my friends decided to buy me a shot of Sambucca. Now, anyone who knows anything about me knows that Sambucca is my poison of choice. But I sat there and said ‘thanks, but no thanks’. They wouldn’t take no for an answer so I started boring them with information on calories, lol. ‘It won’t hurt you, it’s only a small shot’ one friend informed me, to which I responded with: ‘Actually it’s 100 calories per shot and I cannot drink it as I have not accounted for those calories’. Then I gave them the spill about not having lost 30lbs by giving in at the first sign of temptation. I’d had a few Vodka and Diet Cokes by this time and was still in complete control. I love me. By about midnight I’d had my quota of 6 alcoholic drinks so I stopped and turned to water, much to the disdain of my friends. After them trying to convince me to continue I gave them a lecture about knowing when to stop. My poor friends probably don’t know what has gotten into me! Then I got home at 3am and was absolutely starving. I had a fleeting thought about eating but I decided it was not a good idea and went to bed instead.

Clothes were a major theme of my souring confidence yesterday. Firstly the jeans that I could not even wear when I stated out almost fell down when I was on the bus yesterday. It was potentially a very embarrassing situation and yet strangely pleasing. I bought a top in Monsoon. When I started weight losing some of my tops were in a UK 24, while a little on the large size this is what I needed. So I bought a top in a UK 20 yesterday and wore it but I felt it was a bit on the big side, and two people mentioned that it looked too big for me as well. I don’t think I am quite in a UK 18 yet but it seems I am well on my way. I also have a coat that would not do up when I bought it. Each side, just about met but there was no way the buttons would do up. Well last night I got cold and did my coat up without thinking and not only did it do right up but it was quite lose as well.

All I can say is if you are struggling with your weightloss stick with it because seeing the changes I have documented above really do make all the hard work worth while.

Staying in Control

Here are some ways I have stayed in control today and thus should be proud of myself for:

• Been bored silly and not resorted to binge eating. I have blogged, defragged computers, annoyed my brother and the kids – anything to avoid food. But really it is not a big issue.
• I bought jam doughnuts for my brother at his request and he was then trying his hardest to tempt me and I told him I was not interested as I have a watermelon. And meant it!
• I went shopping while hungry and didn’t buy anything I shouldn’t have. I did pick up some crisps (potato chips) – French Fries, Quavers and Skips (not all at the same time but alternatively) – but ended up not getting any as I concluded it was just calories I did not need to consume.
• My mum went shopping and bought white baps, raisin bread, sausage rolls, pork pies, crisps and many other things and I have not had any of it (nor will I).
• Whenever I have felt hungry I have forced water down my throat instead of eating.
• I had to change my trousers before I left the house as they were falling down.

TOM

I don’t normally buy glossy magazines but I bought August’s UK Cosmo because a friend has written an article in it. The reason I mention it is that there is a really good article with Jennifer Lopez about weight and the size Zero phenomenon.  She says that she could never achieve that shape with her bum and boobs and asks, ‘but why would I want to look like a young boy?’ Good point, J-lo.

“It does worry me that some young girls feel they need to be a size 0 to be attractive. You can only be truely attractive if you’re  healthy and happy. And you can only feel sexy if you’re confident in your body.” – Jennifer Lopez

I have always liked Jennifer’s attitude toward her body (even if I don’t like her flaunting her money quite so much) and this just adds weight to it. (Excuse the pun!) I don’t really want to aim to have a body like any celebrity’s as I would be more than happy with a normal weight version of my own, but if there is anyones figure I would like to emulate then it would be Jennifer Lopez.

In other news, this week has been such a topsy turvy week for me. A few day’s ago my body let me know that it was preparing for a period in the next week so as well as aching and paining I have been highly emotional. It’s funny, before I was dieting I never noticed when I was due on at all, I didn’t get any signs at all. And I wasn’t emotional either (well, I was, just all the time not specifially at a certain time in the month). It’s weird. I wonder if it’s due to less consumption or whether it is because I am paying more attention to my body. Probably a bit of both.

Yesterday, for the first time in years, I retreated to myself, went to bed at 9pm and burst into tears for no good reason. I then went to sleep (I took a Nytol) and didn’t get out of bed until a quarter to eight this morning. I think I was emotionally exhausted. I had a meeting with a client and it was a first official meeting and I was really nervous. Then in there I had to big up my skills and talents, something I am not very good at doing. Afterwards I had to go to my old university, which always makes me nervous because I went through so much crap when I was there. Plus I also walked about 5 miles over the whole day. And I didn’t feel good in myself.

When I was getting ready to go out I thought I looked quite good. My face is getting slimmer, my make up and hair looked good. My torso is getting slimmer too. I had everything going for me. But then when I was out I kept catching my reflection in windows, bus shelters etc and it made me realise how crap I still look and how far I have to go in my journey. It didn’t help that I was in a size 24 top when I am now a 20 and I had size 20 trousers on and while they do up and do fit they are still quite tight. I felt like an ugly clown.

Then I got home, exhausted from my day and from TOM emotions and just needed to retreat. Most unlike me! The thing that amazed me though was that I did not turn to food. I did not even want to! I would be a liar if I said it did not occur to me but that is all it was – a fleeting, passing thought. Because that is what I would normally do. I didn’t feel any impulse to turn to turn to food. I still feel a bit blah today but over eating is the last thing I want to do (it would only lead to more misery!). I’ll go to the gym later and thrash out all my stress and anxiety.

Old Jeans

I am currently wearing jeans that I haven’t been able to get on for the last year. They’re done up and everything!

(A bit on the tight side but not uncomfortable or anything)